Wow where to start? Well how about at the definition from Wikipedia about my problem:
Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.
O M G!!! That is so me!!!!!! I have so much to learn. I have no idea where to start. I have always known that I was codependent, but didn't realize until recently how deeply it affects me. Lets take the relationship that I just left for example...
I saw the good things in guy. Kind hearted, fun, funny, been hurt a lot by people he loves him, feels abandoned. I took it upon MYSELF to make it ok for him. I was going to prove to him and the World that he is a good person. To show him that no matter what he says or does...SOMEONE loves him. Like afterall, doesn't everyone need to be loved? Doesn't everyone need a chance? But to what extent? I went so far that I forgot the most important person in my life...ME! I can't believe I did that to myself again! Like here I am 45 years old and I am not sure where my life is heading. What's up with that anyways? Well pick myself up, dust myself off and carrying on. But where? How?
Like how do I turn this around for myself?? Dag nabbit! In this last relationship I had I gave and gave and gave, and he just kept taking and getting more and more selfish with it to the point that I didn't even know who he was anymore. So who's fault is that? Well, there really is no fault here. We both played a part. For my side, I taught him it was ok to do that by acting out on my codependency. From this side of things the only thing I can be responsible for is my side. No matter how the other person behaves. So I had to practice tough love. For him and me because we were hurting each other and keeping each other stuck.
What's next for me? Stay single for a while, be me, get more connected with me and give myself time to heal this time. When the opportunity comes again to be in another relationship, take is very slow. Get to know the person before allowing him to live with me. I mean over years not over hours, days or even just months. I look back at it and had I been READY when I got into this relationship and taken things slower and learned who this person really was... I don't believe that I would have stayed with him as long as I did. Does that mean that I think he is a bad person, no. Just that, he wasn't the person for me. Only I can decide what I am willing to live with and what I am not. I am not willing to ever again live with someone like this. I need to learn how to speak up for myself and allow him to make the decision if he wants to live with me. It is no fun to control someone like that. Like think about it, going along with someone even when you don't agree just to keep the peace and/or prove that someone loves them is very dishonest. I am not even showing him my true self. Not fair. On the same note, not to put it all on me, he needs to be on his own to hopefully work through and work on his demons. I can only pray that one day he can let all that stuff go so he can see what I saw deep within him.
That being said, it is really none of my business what he does or doesn't do. What I need to focus on is what is good for me.
Something to think about: It is important to give yourself time to grow, heal, know yourself, speak your truth and allow you and the other person the opportunity to make decision for them (your) self. And most importantly, get the HELL out of God's way!!!!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Friday, November 23, 2012
Learning To Be Nice To Myself
Wow, maybe I need to listen to my positive self more often! I have been beating myself up about my past, analyzing and trying to see where I went wrong. What did I do to myself by doing that? My depression got so bad that I was having scary suicidal thoughts. Not good not good! I need to stop telling myself that I failed my kids. I need to stop saying that everything was MY fault. I need to stop trying to change other people's perception of things.
I need to stop freaking myself out by creating scenarios in my head about not being a part of my kids life and that they don't want me anymore. Telling myself that I won't get to know my grandkids, that my ex is now their parent and I am no longer needed or even wanted. What I really need to do for me is be nice! Take that big stick, mulch the dang thing and use it for kindling! I don't have to put up with stuff that I don't agree with. I don't have to allow people, ANY person including me hurt me like I do. I am a good little me! I always have had the best in mind when I say or do things. I no more have to belittle myself in order for people to like me. Like really, if I need to do that...then I need to move on because that person just isn't good for me. I have had so many friends, co-workers in my life that have been not good for me and what have I done? Allowed it. I taught them that it was ok to do that to me.
I just finished reading my last blog post and boy oh boy have I ever falling down.
I need to stop freaking myself out by creating scenarios in my head about not being a part of my kids life and that they don't want me anymore. Telling myself that I won't get to know my grandkids, that my ex is now their parent and I am no longer needed or even wanted. What I really need to do for me is be nice! Take that big stick, mulch the dang thing and use it for kindling! I don't have to put up with stuff that I don't agree with. I don't have to allow people, ANY person including me hurt me like I do. I am a good little me! I always have had the best in mind when I say or do things. I no more have to belittle myself in order for people to like me. Like really, if I need to do that...then I need to move on because that person just isn't good for me. I have had so many friends, co-workers in my life that have been not good for me and what have I done? Allowed it. I taught them that it was ok to do that to me.
I just finished reading my last blog post and boy oh boy have I ever falling down.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Codependent Mambo
Wow! I just went through another couple of growing spurts and thought that it would be good to come on here and write about it in my blog. I have been reflecting a lot about my relationships and my part in them. I have found that my part is always the same. I now am willing to stop denying what I already know about myself and have been too afraid to change it because I am afraid of people not liking me. Thanks to some very dear people in my life...and you know who you are... I am more willing now to admit my powerlessness over 2 behaviours I have that stand in my way of being totally free to be me! I am now strong enough to start the process of letting go of the denial that I have this problem so I can work through it and grow some more. Both are part of an evil little word called "Codependency". Well maybe it's not evil...but I can be to myself when I fall into this trap.
What are the 2 behaviours you ask? Well they are 1. People pleasing and 2. Trying to "fix" things, myself, whatever in order to make someone happy again. So I guess I could call myself a people pleasing Miss Fixit...but again that would be mean and I need to learn to be kinder to myself.
But, am I ready to accept that I have these 2 defects? Or am I still having trouble with that. Well, I'm still struggling with it. I can admit that I have the problem, but accepting it is gonna have to be the next step. Hard to let go of something that I have been doing since I was a little girl. It all started growing up in an alcoholic home then continued through my own active addiction and then up to today. I spent my childhood trying to make everyone happy all the time. It was hard growing up in a house where there was chaos and hearing my mom cry. I remember being happy when dad was working those 4 to 12 shifts and the only people home were me, mom and my brother. I hated seeing my mom so sad so took it upon myself to be the one to make her happy. Bought her flowers, wrote her poems. These are all very healthy, kind things to do for your mom, except that my reasons for doing it was to please and "fix" the situation. I some crazy things for friends, like on in particular that I won't mention her name, some of you may know who I speak of. I just wanted her to like me, but she was always so mean to me and as soon as another friend came into the picture, I was yesterday's lunch. That is until she lost that friend or that friend was busy. I was always a last choice. As I grew older it escalated more. I got to a point that I didn't really know who I was or what my purpose in life is and why the hell was I born anyways?? I would stuff my feelings, wouldn't say my point of view, went along with things even though inside I didn't want to for whatever reason. The people pleasing and Miss "Fixit" continued up to today. I still do it now but it is getting a little better.
When I get stuck in those 2 things I wreak (sorry not sure how to spell that) havik in my life and the people I love. I have lived with and had a lot of people in my life who have been angry, frustrated, scared for what reasons? Don't have a clue for that is their "stuff". All I do know is that when someone I love or someone at work or anyone in my world is having a hard time or is sad or angry, I pump up the gas on trying to make them better and taking care of everything in order ot make like better for them. What usually happens is not pretty...it starts out innocent and loving but eventually I get frustrated, scared, resentful and not sure how to get out of it. So what happens next? I try to fix that...and on and on and on. End result: Pain, frustration, not speaking up for myself, stuffing my feelings, beating myself up and not saying things that could really help the situation because I am too afraid of being rejected for my ideas!
What are the 2 behaviours you ask? Well they are 1. People pleasing and 2. Trying to "fix" things, myself, whatever in order to make someone happy again. So I guess I could call myself a people pleasing Miss Fixit...but again that would be mean and I need to learn to be kinder to myself.
But, am I ready to accept that I have these 2 defects? Or am I still having trouble with that. Well, I'm still struggling with it. I can admit that I have the problem, but accepting it is gonna have to be the next step. Hard to let go of something that I have been doing since I was a little girl. It all started growing up in an alcoholic home then continued through my own active addiction and then up to today. I spent my childhood trying to make everyone happy all the time. It was hard growing up in a house where there was chaos and hearing my mom cry. I remember being happy when dad was working those 4 to 12 shifts and the only people home were me, mom and my brother. I hated seeing my mom so sad so took it upon myself to be the one to make her happy. Bought her flowers, wrote her poems. These are all very healthy, kind things to do for your mom, except that my reasons for doing it was to please and "fix" the situation. I some crazy things for friends, like on in particular that I won't mention her name, some of you may know who I speak of. I just wanted her to like me, but she was always so mean to me and as soon as another friend came into the picture, I was yesterday's lunch. That is until she lost that friend or that friend was busy. I was always a last choice. As I grew older it escalated more. I got to a point that I didn't really know who I was or what my purpose in life is and why the hell was I born anyways?? I would stuff my feelings, wouldn't say my point of view, went along with things even though inside I didn't want to for whatever reason. The people pleasing and Miss "Fixit" continued up to today. I still do it now but it is getting a little better.
When I get stuck in those 2 things I wreak (sorry not sure how to spell that) havik in my life and the people I love. I have lived with and had a lot of people in my life who have been angry, frustrated, scared for what reasons? Don't have a clue for that is their "stuff". All I do know is that when someone I love or someone at work or anyone in my world is having a hard time or is sad or angry, I pump up the gas on trying to make them better and taking care of everything in order ot make like better for them. What usually happens is not pretty...it starts out innocent and loving but eventually I get frustrated, scared, resentful and not sure how to get out of it. So what happens next? I try to fix that...and on and on and on. End result: Pain, frustration, not speaking up for myself, stuffing my feelings, beating myself up and not saying things that could really help the situation because I am too afraid of being rejected for my ideas!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Analyze this!
So here I am asking questions, trying to sort through every part of myself so I can be the "perfect" me. Happy, peaceful, good to others, someone that people want to be friends with. Afraid to make the same mistakes I made in my past.
Yes it's important to take a look at our past, open up old wounds for a bit to allow them to heal properly. But when is it enough? When do I stop? Or do I need to stop?
I was talking with my mom on the phone and she told me that I need to stop anaylzing myself and that I am a good person, a wonderful daughter and just right the way I am. She told me to just let myself be. My partner has said the same to me and so has my loving friends. I already am all the things I want to be. They are correct, I have clean up, analyzed, asked questions, tried new things and turned my life around. I'm more at peace with myself today and love myself more than I ever have in my whole life. Why do I keep going as if I have more to "change" or "fix" about myself? Why do I keep analyzing myself? I don't even realize when I'm doing it. I just do it!! Maybe my question is how do I stop analyzing myself?
I think we all need to look at ourselves and keep ourselves in check, but not to a point where that is all you do. That's what I do. I think about how much I think think think about my behaviour, why do I behave a certain way, blah blah blah. Would be nice to just stop doing that so I can just be. Allow my brain to just be quiet and let me do other things for my recovery such as; writing, playing a musical instrument, cooking, baking, walking, reading, just doing the things I love to do. Yet I still have trouble letting it go. Gaaaaah! I think too much!
I believe that the answer to my question is to just let myself be. Just do the things I love to do and want to do. Keeping sharing with other and working my program. Allow myself to truly trust that the people in my life such as my good friends, my partner, my mom and my family just love me. I know that I love me, yet I still hurt myself like this. When all I really need to to is just let go and see that I am already the perfect me that I can be. With all of who I am. Leaving my husband and all that stuff I went through really put me off my game. Thought I had my whole life planned. Then WHAMMO! I had to make the tough decision that I did.
I believe that my solution is to just let myself be, stop analyzing everything about me, have faith and give myself more time to heal, let my Higher Power guide me into my life. Afterall, healing over night is next too impossible. But I can live in today, appreciate and be proud of how far I have come and accept me just the way I am. I don't need to analyze everything about me and dig so deep that I confuse myself and start beating myself up. I truly am just perfectly me today! Just the way I am! And I love me!
Something to think about: Love yourself, give yourself a break and give yourself time. Don't analyze everything and pick everything you do say, etc apart. Take a look at things, open up some old unhealed wounds, then let them go. Let yourself heal. Afterall these things are in the past so there is no need to continue to hurt yourself with them. Allow yourself to be just you because you are perfectly you today just the way you are!
Yes it's important to take a look at our past, open up old wounds for a bit to allow them to heal properly. But when is it enough? When do I stop? Or do I need to stop?
I was talking with my mom on the phone and she told me that I need to stop anaylzing myself and that I am a good person, a wonderful daughter and just right the way I am. She told me to just let myself be. My partner has said the same to me and so has my loving friends. I already am all the things I want to be. They are correct, I have clean up, analyzed, asked questions, tried new things and turned my life around. I'm more at peace with myself today and love myself more than I ever have in my whole life. Why do I keep going as if I have more to "change" or "fix" about myself? Why do I keep analyzing myself? I don't even realize when I'm doing it. I just do it!! Maybe my question is how do I stop analyzing myself?
I think we all need to look at ourselves and keep ourselves in check, but not to a point where that is all you do. That's what I do. I think about how much I think think think about my behaviour, why do I behave a certain way, blah blah blah. Would be nice to just stop doing that so I can just be. Allow my brain to just be quiet and let me do other things for my recovery such as; writing, playing a musical instrument, cooking, baking, walking, reading, just doing the things I love to do. Yet I still have trouble letting it go. Gaaaaah! I think too much!
I believe that the answer to my question is to just let myself be. Just do the things I love to do and want to do. Keeping sharing with other and working my program. Allow myself to truly trust that the people in my life such as my good friends, my partner, my mom and my family just love me. I know that I love me, yet I still hurt myself like this. When all I really need to to is just let go and see that I am already the perfect me that I can be. With all of who I am. Leaving my husband and all that stuff I went through really put me off my game. Thought I had my whole life planned. Then WHAMMO! I had to make the tough decision that I did.
I believe that my solution is to just let myself be, stop analyzing everything about me, have faith and give myself more time to heal, let my Higher Power guide me into my life. Afterall, healing over night is next too impossible. But I can live in today, appreciate and be proud of how far I have come and accept me just the way I am. I don't need to analyze everything about me and dig so deep that I confuse myself and start beating myself up. I truly am just perfectly me today! Just the way I am! And I love me!
Something to think about: Love yourself, give yourself a break and give yourself time. Don't analyze everything and pick everything you do say, etc apart. Take a look at things, open up some old unhealed wounds, then let them go. Let yourself heal. Afterall these things are in the past so there is no need to continue to hurt yourself with them. Allow yourself to be just you because you are perfectly you today just the way you are!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Keeping at a Distance
So why do I do this?
I have people in my life that I care about and they care about me, yet I keep myself at a distance. I want to make new friends here in BC, yet something stops me. I have family that I love very dearly like my brother, cousins, uncles, aunts. I have good friends. Yet I don't even call them... How do I break out of this? I've now been in recovery 2 1/2 years, discovered so much of myself and what makes me tick.
In the past I tried to change myself for everyone. How deceitful is that? Not being myself. Agreeing with people even when I didn't agree. Not allowing myself to have my own opinion, not allowing myself to respect my own feelings and boundaries. There are so many times that I did all the calling, all the visiting, all the work to keep the relationship going. All because I was afraid that if I didn't people wouldn't call me, visit me, or care enough about our relationship to do the same for me. AKA - Felt that I wasn't worth it. It almost seems that I have now gone the other way where I don't call, I don't visit, I don't put the first foot forward. Is it fear that I will be the only one that does this? Am I afraid still that people will thank that I'm stupid and boring? What is stopping me?
Also, there have been so many times in my childhood and adulthood where I was abused by friends and family. I used to cling to these people. I used to think that it was them who had the problem, they just needed to stop being this way and listen to me, see me. Maybe if I just do more, maybe if I just tried more, maybe if I just agreed with them more they would change and stop and see me and how much I care about them. I for some reason just needed to stay in those relationships hoping that one day it would get better. What I didnt' see then, is what I do see now. Instead of trying to change people to come around to my way of thinking, the responsiblity was mine to take care of myself by getting out of those relationships. Not being mean to the other person, but just taking myself out of it. So maybe my problem is that I still don't trust myself with people. Maybe it's just that I'm still afraid that I will keep playing that codependent roll by being that person that tries to change herself in order to be thought of and cared for. In order to be worth it! Thinking I was a bad person if I left. Not giving them a chance to change.
So what do I do? Instead of reaching out, meeting new people, forming new friendships and building on the ones I have already, I isolate. I get confused. I don't really feel alone...I'm not completely sure what it is that I feel. It's almost like I feel trapped, confused, and unsure. Maybe it's just that I don't feel completely sure of myself with other people yet. I've allowed myself to stay in so many abusive relationships thoughout my life. Most of my relationships from childhood have been abusive and a lot of my relationships as an adult. Not all, but most of. This is a toughy for me. I want to be good to myself; I want to have healthy people in my life. But how do I do that?
You know maybe the thing is that I have just discovered who I am and I am learning day by day what it is I want and who I want in my life?
The truth is...I'm just not ready yet! And that's ok! I have some things to do for myself before I will be ready. I need to deal with the issues I have with some of the people currently in my life. Lay that stuff to rest so I can finally let go and reach out more. The truth is that I care about these people and I want them in my life, but I need to learn to do things differently for myself so that I don't get hurt. I finally care about myself more.
And besides, I'm still connected with and speak/chat with the people I feel safe with. The people I do know care about me unconditionally and will always be there for me as they always have. They understand that I need this time to sort my own self out and sort through all the confusion of the past so that I can make wiser choices for myself.
To them I say I love you and thank you for being a part of my life. My life is great and is already filled with a lot of wonderful people. As for the answer to my question:
It's ok for me to "Keep Myself at a Distance" for now while I work through the pain that still remains and learn how to be in relationships with people and stay true to myself.
So I leave you with this thought: Be good to yourself. Be you. Allow yourself to have your feelings and opinions. It's ok. You are worth and what you have to say/feel does mean something. It means something to you because you are the most important person in your life. You are the person that you spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with. And it's ok to leave a relationship if you are not satisified, respected or listened to. Or even if you care about the person, but just don't "feel it". This means any kind of relationship, such as friend, family member, lover, husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend...and on and on and on.
I have people in my life that I care about and they care about me, yet I keep myself at a distance. I want to make new friends here in BC, yet something stops me. I have family that I love very dearly like my brother, cousins, uncles, aunts. I have good friends. Yet I don't even call them... How do I break out of this? I've now been in recovery 2 1/2 years, discovered so much of myself and what makes me tick.
In the past I tried to change myself for everyone. How deceitful is that? Not being myself. Agreeing with people even when I didn't agree. Not allowing myself to have my own opinion, not allowing myself to respect my own feelings and boundaries. There are so many times that I did all the calling, all the visiting, all the work to keep the relationship going. All because I was afraid that if I didn't people wouldn't call me, visit me, or care enough about our relationship to do the same for me. AKA - Felt that I wasn't worth it. It almost seems that I have now gone the other way where I don't call, I don't visit, I don't put the first foot forward. Is it fear that I will be the only one that does this? Am I afraid still that people will thank that I'm stupid and boring? What is stopping me?
Also, there have been so many times in my childhood and adulthood where I was abused by friends and family. I used to cling to these people. I used to think that it was them who had the problem, they just needed to stop being this way and listen to me, see me. Maybe if I just do more, maybe if I just tried more, maybe if I just agreed with them more they would change and stop and see me and how much I care about them. I for some reason just needed to stay in those relationships hoping that one day it would get better. What I didnt' see then, is what I do see now. Instead of trying to change people to come around to my way of thinking, the responsiblity was mine to take care of myself by getting out of those relationships. Not being mean to the other person, but just taking myself out of it. So maybe my problem is that I still don't trust myself with people. Maybe it's just that I'm still afraid that I will keep playing that codependent roll by being that person that tries to change herself in order to be thought of and cared for. In order to be worth it! Thinking I was a bad person if I left. Not giving them a chance to change.
So what do I do? Instead of reaching out, meeting new people, forming new friendships and building on the ones I have already, I isolate. I get confused. I don't really feel alone...I'm not completely sure what it is that I feel. It's almost like I feel trapped, confused, and unsure. Maybe it's just that I don't feel completely sure of myself with other people yet. I've allowed myself to stay in so many abusive relationships thoughout my life. Most of my relationships from childhood have been abusive and a lot of my relationships as an adult. Not all, but most of. This is a toughy for me. I want to be good to myself; I want to have healthy people in my life. But how do I do that?
You know maybe the thing is that I have just discovered who I am and I am learning day by day what it is I want and who I want in my life?
The truth is...I'm just not ready yet! And that's ok! I have some things to do for myself before I will be ready. I need to deal with the issues I have with some of the people currently in my life. Lay that stuff to rest so I can finally let go and reach out more. The truth is that I care about these people and I want them in my life, but I need to learn to do things differently for myself so that I don't get hurt. I finally care about myself more.
And besides, I'm still connected with and speak/chat with the people I feel safe with. The people I do know care about me unconditionally and will always be there for me as they always have. They understand that I need this time to sort my own self out and sort through all the confusion of the past so that I can make wiser choices for myself.
To them I say I love you and thank you for being a part of my life. My life is great and is already filled with a lot of wonderful people. As for the answer to my question:
It's ok for me to "Keep Myself at a Distance" for now while I work through the pain that still remains and learn how to be in relationships with people and stay true to myself.
So I leave you with this thought: Be good to yourself. Be you. Allow yourself to have your feelings and opinions. It's ok. You are worth and what you have to say/feel does mean something. It means something to you because you are the most important person in your life. You are the person that you spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with. And it's ok to leave a relationship if you are not satisified, respected or listened to. Or even if you care about the person, but just don't "feel it". This means any kind of relationship, such as friend, family member, lover, husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend...and on and on and on.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Reruns of a Bad Movie
Did you ever watch a movie that was so excruciating to watch that you ended up turning it off? Or you just got "into it" hoping that something exciting would eventually happen? That it was bound to get better sooner or later??? I know that I have! Question is...did you rent it again? Or watch it again hoping it would be better this time? Of course not! That's just silly!
Well...isn't it funny how we wouldn't watch a bad movie again, but we will replay old negative programming or self-defeating talk from our childhood and difficult life situations over and over and over again until we have beaten ourselves to a pulp! Why is that?
Well all I can say is for me negative messages I received as a child or even as an adult, negative "coping mechanisms" I created to protect myself are things that happened over and over and over during difficult times. So this is why I replay these "Bad Movies" over and over in my mind. When you live in a situation where you are criticized daily or often you tend to create some unhealthy "coping mechanisms" to help you through it. Usually negative messages about how unworthy or stupid or pathetic you are! Those are just some of the negative things I say to myself...there are lots more!
I've done some crazy things that were very unhealthy for me in order to "keep the peace" in unhealthy relationships (with family, friends, my kids, boyfriends, husband). I have put up a wall so noone can get in where I can't feel any feelings, I'd run and hide (even had a couple of hiding places where I could go), I drank so heavily I couldn't stand, I put myself down so that people won't think that I am conceited, I have done things people wanted me to do even though I knew it was wrong or wouldn't work...and on and on and on until I got to the point where I just wanted to die. (OH MY!!!)
One thing we need to keep in mind...changing the "Old Programming Channel" is not an easy task but can be done, but only with digilence, honesty, open mindedness and willingness. Be willing to make some changes by doing things a bit different. Even the smallest positive change like meditating every morning or instead of "going along" with someone else, say how you feel or what you think! It's scary at first, even the second and third time, but you will see that the more often you do it, the more comfortable it feels! And that's the key!!! Eventhough old programming hurts like hell, we continue to do it because that is what we are "comfortable" with because we have done it so many times!
Change is tough! But is so important and necessary in order to grow! To admit...ooops! I made a mistake, is hard. Especially when you realize that the answer you had about something is incorrect and another person was right! For me I find it so uncomfortable when I know someone else is right about something and what they suggest would actually help me. I stay stuck inside my head and instead of "hearing their message" I go on my merry way and continue to do the same old same old that ends up hurting me. What happens inside me when someone gives me advice is that I feel afraid to say...hey, you're right about that, I'm totally going off the deep end here. Sorry about that! What can I do to change that for myself! What is my fear? I am afraid to admit that I made a mistake cause I don't want the other person to think I'm stupid or arrogant or conceited. I want them to like me! Talk about insanity!!! The truth of all of that is that usually the person loves you so much and doesn't want you to hurt so they are trying to "HELP YOU!!!". Imagine that!!! People actually accept and like you more when you OPEN UP and are WILLING to be HONEST that you made a mistake!! No they aren't always right, but even at that take what works and leave the rest! Open your mind to new things to try...if it doesn't work...try something else. Just don't go on doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That's insanity!!!
All this being said, it again comes back to that "loving yourself" attitude. I am just now (AGAIN) coming out of another bout of "I'm unworthy syndrome". It's so easy to fall back into the "OLD PROGRAM" that I played in my mind during and long after the abuse I have been through. I took over abusing me and while I was even going through it...I helped them out by repeating their words to myself!!! The thing I noticed though that makes me love myself even more:
I have recognized it and I can move forward from it again. Also that it doesn't last as long as it used to. I used to "sit in it" for months and years. But not anymore because I am working on it, one little bit at a time.
So I leave you with this thought: Be patient with yourself as you slowly make changes for your life. This is for YOU and no one else for when we take care of ourselves we are able to take care of others. Love yourself enough to take a baby step towards changing the channel and watching a new program in your mind. A positive look at who you really are cause you are worthwhile, loving and a wonderful person.
Well...isn't it funny how we wouldn't watch a bad movie again, but we will replay old negative programming or self-defeating talk from our childhood and difficult life situations over and over and over again until we have beaten ourselves to a pulp! Why is that?
Well all I can say is for me negative messages I received as a child or even as an adult, negative "coping mechanisms" I created to protect myself are things that happened over and over and over during difficult times. So this is why I replay these "Bad Movies" over and over in my mind. When you live in a situation where you are criticized daily or often you tend to create some unhealthy "coping mechanisms" to help you through it. Usually negative messages about how unworthy or stupid or pathetic you are! Those are just some of the negative things I say to myself...there are lots more!
I've done some crazy things that were very unhealthy for me in order to "keep the peace" in unhealthy relationships (with family, friends, my kids, boyfriends, husband). I have put up a wall so noone can get in where I can't feel any feelings, I'd run and hide (even had a couple of hiding places where I could go), I drank so heavily I couldn't stand, I put myself down so that people won't think that I am conceited, I have done things people wanted me to do even though I knew it was wrong or wouldn't work...and on and on and on until I got to the point where I just wanted to die. (OH MY!!!)
One thing we need to keep in mind...changing the "Old Programming Channel" is not an easy task but can be done, but only with digilence, honesty, open mindedness and willingness. Be willing to make some changes by doing things a bit different. Even the smallest positive change like meditating every morning or instead of "going along" with someone else, say how you feel or what you think! It's scary at first, even the second and third time, but you will see that the more often you do it, the more comfortable it feels! And that's the key!!! Eventhough old programming hurts like hell, we continue to do it because that is what we are "comfortable" with because we have done it so many times!
Change is tough! But is so important and necessary in order to grow! To admit...ooops! I made a mistake, is hard. Especially when you realize that the answer you had about something is incorrect and another person was right! For me I find it so uncomfortable when I know someone else is right about something and what they suggest would actually help me. I stay stuck inside my head and instead of "hearing their message" I go on my merry way and continue to do the same old same old that ends up hurting me. What happens inside me when someone gives me advice is that I feel afraid to say...hey, you're right about that, I'm totally going off the deep end here. Sorry about that! What can I do to change that for myself! What is my fear? I am afraid to admit that I made a mistake cause I don't want the other person to think I'm stupid or arrogant or conceited. I want them to like me! Talk about insanity!!! The truth of all of that is that usually the person loves you so much and doesn't want you to hurt so they are trying to "HELP YOU!!!". Imagine that!!! People actually accept and like you more when you OPEN UP and are WILLING to be HONEST that you made a mistake!! No they aren't always right, but even at that take what works and leave the rest! Open your mind to new things to try...if it doesn't work...try something else. Just don't go on doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That's insanity!!!
All this being said, it again comes back to that "loving yourself" attitude. I am just now (AGAIN) coming out of another bout of "I'm unworthy syndrome". It's so easy to fall back into the "OLD PROGRAM" that I played in my mind during and long after the abuse I have been through. I took over abusing me and while I was even going through it...I helped them out by repeating their words to myself!!! The thing I noticed though that makes me love myself even more:
I have recognized it and I can move forward from it again. Also that it doesn't last as long as it used to. I used to "sit in it" for months and years. But not anymore because I am working on it, one little bit at a time.
So I leave you with this thought: Be patient with yourself as you slowly make changes for your life. This is for YOU and no one else for when we take care of ourselves we are able to take care of others. Love yourself enough to take a baby step towards changing the channel and watching a new program in your mind. A positive look at who you really are cause you are worthwhile, loving and a wonderful person.
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