Wow where to start? Well how about at the definition from Wikipedia about my problem:
Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.
O M G!!! That is so me!!!!!! I have so much to learn. I have no idea where to start. I have always known that I was codependent, but didn't realize until recently how deeply it affects me. Lets take the relationship that I just left for example...
I saw the good things in guy. Kind hearted, fun, funny, been hurt a lot by people he loves him, feels abandoned. I took it upon MYSELF to make it ok for him. I was going to prove to him and the World that he is a good person. To show him that no matter what he says or does...SOMEONE loves him. Like afterall, doesn't everyone need to be loved? Doesn't everyone need a chance? But to what extent? I went so far that I forgot the most important person in my life...ME! I can't believe I did that to myself again! Like here I am 45 years old and I am not sure where my life is heading. What's up with that anyways? Well pick myself up, dust myself off and carrying on. But where? How?
Like how do I turn this around for myself?? Dag nabbit! In this last relationship I had I gave and gave and gave, and he just kept taking and getting more and more selfish with it to the point that I didn't even know who he was anymore. So who's fault is that? Well, there really is no fault here. We both played a part. For my side, I taught him it was ok to do that by acting out on my codependency. From this side of things the only thing I can be responsible for is my side. No matter how the other person behaves. So I had to practice tough love. For him and me because we were hurting each other and keeping each other stuck.
What's next for me? Stay single for a while, be me, get more connected with me and give myself time to heal this time. When the opportunity comes again to be in another relationship, take is very slow. Get to know the person before allowing him to live with me. I mean over years not over hours, days or even just months. I look back at it and had I been READY when I got into this relationship and taken things slower and learned who this person really was... I don't believe that I would have stayed with him as long as I did. Does that mean that I think he is a bad person, no. Just that, he wasn't the person for me. Only I can decide what I am willing to live with and what I am not. I am not willing to ever again live with someone like this. I need to learn how to speak up for myself and allow him to make the decision if he wants to live with me. It is no fun to control someone like that. Like think about it, going along with someone even when you don't agree just to keep the peace and/or prove that someone loves them is very dishonest. I am not even showing him my true self. Not fair. On the same note, not to put it all on me, he needs to be on his own to hopefully work through and work on his demons. I can only pray that one day he can let all that stuff go so he can see what I saw deep within him.
That being said, it is really none of my business what he does or doesn't do. What I need to focus on is what is good for me.
Something to think about: It is important to give yourself time to grow, heal, know yourself, speak your truth and allow you and the other person the opportunity to make decision for them (your) self. And most importantly, get the HELL out of God's way!!!!
