Did you ever watch a movie that was so excruciating to watch that you ended up turning it off? Or you just got "into it" hoping that something exciting would eventually happen? That it was bound to get better sooner or later??? I know that I have! Question is...did you rent it again? Or watch it again hoping it would be better this time? Of course not! That's just silly!
Well...isn't it funny how we wouldn't watch a bad movie again, but we will replay old negative programming or self-defeating talk from our childhood and difficult life situations over and over and over again until we have beaten ourselves to a pulp! Why is that?
Well all I can say is for me negative messages I received as a child or even as an adult, negative "coping mechanisms" I created to protect myself are things that happened over and over and over during difficult times. So this is why I replay these "Bad Movies" over and over in my mind. When you live in a situation where you are criticized daily or often you tend to create some unhealthy "coping mechanisms" to help you through it. Usually negative messages about how unworthy or stupid or pathetic you are! Those are just some of the negative things I say to myself...there are lots more!
I've done some crazy things that were very unhealthy for me in order to "keep the peace" in unhealthy relationships (with family, friends, my kids, boyfriends, husband). I have put up a wall so noone can get in where I can't feel any feelings, I'd run and hide (even had a couple of hiding places where I could go), I drank so heavily I couldn't stand, I put myself down so that people won't think that I am conceited, I have done things people wanted me to do even though I knew it was wrong or wouldn't work...and on and on and on until I got to the point where I just wanted to die. (OH MY!!!)
One thing we need to keep in mind...changing the "Old Programming Channel" is not an easy task but can be done, but only with digilence, honesty, open mindedness and willingness. Be willing to make some changes by doing things a bit different. Even the smallest positive change like meditating every morning or instead of "going along" with someone else, say how you feel or what you think! It's scary at first, even the second and third time, but you will see that the more often you do it, the more comfortable it feels! And that's the key!!! Eventhough old programming hurts like hell, we continue to do it because that is what we are "comfortable" with because we have done it so many times!
Change is tough! But is so important and necessary in order to grow! To admit...ooops! I made a mistake, is hard. Especially when you realize that the answer you had about something is incorrect and another person was right! For me I find it so uncomfortable when I know someone else is right about something and what they suggest would actually help me. I stay stuck inside my head and instead of "hearing their message" I go on my merry way and continue to do the same old same old that ends up hurting me. What happens inside me when someone gives me advice is that I feel afraid to say...hey, you're right about that, I'm totally going off the deep end here. Sorry about that! What can I do to change that for myself! What is my fear? I am afraid to admit that I made a mistake cause I don't want the other person to think I'm stupid or arrogant or conceited. I want them to like me! Talk about insanity!!! The truth of all of that is that usually the person loves you so much and doesn't want you to hurt so they are trying to "HELP YOU!!!". Imagine that!!! People actually accept and like you more when you OPEN UP and are WILLING to be HONEST that you made a mistake!! No they aren't always right, but even at that take what works and leave the rest! Open your mind to new things to try...if it doesn't work...try something else. Just don't go on doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That's insanity!!!
All this being said, it again comes back to that "loving yourself" attitude. I am just now (AGAIN) coming out of another bout of "I'm unworthy syndrome". It's so easy to fall back into the "OLD PROGRAM" that I played in my mind during and long after the abuse I have been through. I took over abusing me and while I was even going through it...I helped them out by repeating their words to myself!!! The thing I noticed though that makes me love myself even more:
I have recognized it and I can move forward from it again. Also that it doesn't last as long as it used to. I used to "sit in it" for months and years. But not anymore because I am working on it, one little bit at a time.
So I leave you with this thought: Be patient with yourself as you slowly make changes for your life. This is for YOU and no one else for when we take care of ourselves we are able to take care of others. Love yourself enough to take a baby step towards changing the channel and watching a new program in your mind. A positive look at who you really are cause you are worthwhile, loving and a wonderful person.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Starting Point
I wasn't so sure how I would start my blog considering I have been through alot, but worked on alot for myself and am now in a position where I no longer feel that I am not a worthwhile person and don't deserve any happiness. I am now in a place where I still battle with some of my old programming, but have a new sense of love for myself that was never there before in my 42 years on this planet. I now have a sense of peace that I feel even when I am going through tough times and times of dealing with my past demons in order to continue on my path of freeing my soul and my heart of all the pain I felt.
I was reading one of my meditation books last night, the one I have from Melanie Beattie. She is one of my favorite authors as her books have helped me so much on my journey of self-discovery and growth. I'm a Codependant and an addict. Anywho...I was reading her topic of "Accepting Love". Wow even the beginning of 2009I didn't even know how to do that! Accepting that someone could actually love me????? What a concept! Good thing is that today I am capable of feeling that someone else could love me as much as I love them. This is a new feeling for me, so I am therefore still in my infancy stage of this emotion. I still find myself drifting back to the old thoughts of "How could anyone love ME?", "Wait till they really get to know me...then they will dump me for the first thing that comes around! I then get these feelings that my partner, my friends, my family, even my kids could easily replace me, for I am just a flea and inconsequential. The good thing about this is that I can recognize when it is happening. AND I can recognize that it is those old tapes that I have played in my mind since I was a child growing up with an alcoholic father. I never was able to recognize that before. My 12 step fellowship and the counselling I have done have helped me to see the truth. I am a worthwhile, kind, understanding, wonderful woman who has many people who love her. And that those thoughts ARE just thoughts from my past. My old way of life.
Anywho...back to the meditation topic: Accepting Love! She talks about how many of us have worked to hard to make relationships work. Boy oh Boy was she like talking about me in this reading or what??? I have done that in ALL my relationships. I have tried my whole life to change and conform to what I "thought" people wanted me to be in order to be loved and accepted. I thought that that was what a person was supposed to do...well...actually...what "I" was supposed to do. I was raised feeling that it was my job to "take care" of everyone elses feelings and be constantly "ON" and "THERE" for when they needed me. I even look at my marriage of 20 years and I see how I wore myself out trying to "Take care of" my husband when he was so down and defeated by his family. Mainly his mother. I ended up doing all the chores, paying the bills, going to work to support his spending habit (not just his fault...I didn't know how to say NO!), while he stayed home or got yet another commission job that went no where! And with all this...putting up with abuse from his mother and father. I felt it was up to me because I was his wife that I was to "step up" and do my job...Love, Honor, and Cherish! my husband...be there for him like a good wife would. On top of that, try my best to raise 2 beautiful kids that had been hurt and felt like they did not belong with anyone but ME! So what did I do? I took that on as well! I was the one they came to when they needed to talk (this is a good thing), I was the one who helped them with there homework (good thing) however, I also made myself responsible for their feelings! What they were going through. My daughter ended up becoming abusive towards me and my son became so lazy that he now at 18 only has a grade 9 education! I became everyone's place to "dump" all their crap! Everyone had an excuse for their behaviour. Noone picked up after themselves, they barely ever helped out around the house, and eventually...NOONE was there for me when I needed someone to lean on! (Thank GOD for my mom and a handful of my friends!) I ended up going through cancer and was told that it was "No big deal" and "No need to cry cause it's not that serious). AND in the hospital, my husband only stayed like 5-10 mins a day! Again...thank GOD for my mom. She came out for 5 weeks. I got to cry on HER shoulder and she visited me EVERYDAY! She flew out to be with me, took a bus in a town she does not know to come see me in the hospital, gave me a shoulder to cry on, and took care of me when I came out of the hospital for a couple of weeks. Love you mom!! But my husband...was no where to be found...he was physically in the room...but NOT THERE! Everything had become a complete mess. I was so broken and worn out...I fell into drinking ALOT! I started that about 3 or 4 years before I finally (Thanks to a wonderful friend) got out of that house! Then a few months later moved to my hometown and then onto my path of recovery from alcohol and the abuse I endured living in that house! I spent a few months more drinking and doing things that are not me...things that are against my morals, my daughter was physically hurting me as well. I ended up having to send her back to her dad so that I would not be abused anymore. What a tough time that was! I still feel the guilt that I felt that day when I dropped her off at the airport! Thoughts like, "What kind of mother sends her baby away?" "What kind of mother can't reach her child and help her?" "What did I do wrong?"
The next step was to start on a path of freeing myself from the abuse and prison that I had created in my mind. I found NA...my new found friends there have taught me how to love myself, by loving me and being there for me. My daughter and I still continue to be very close even though she lives with her dad. We talk to eachother on the phone ALOT. She calls me for all the mom and daughter things. Our CFS caseworker even said when I was sending my daughter to her dad that I am still her mom eventhough we are apart. And she was right! I AM HER MOM IN EVERY WAY! I still have my days I struggle with the old demons of my marriage and my in-laws treatment of us. I am happy to say that my ex and I are friends and we parent our kids together. I am happy that he has finally stepped up to the plate and is in counselling with my daughter to help her with her anger issues. I still have some guilt issues with sending my daughter back...but again I do know that I could not parent her the way things were. She was extremely angry to the point of physically abusing me, in and out of shelters, family counselling (she wouldn't talk to the counsellor)...and me...I was so broken! I was at that point, I am ashamed to say, of "I just don't care anymore!" "I give up!" "I'm the worst mother in the world so how could I ever think that I could help her!"
Anyways, my point of this is...going back to that meditation:
We CAN NOT "fix" anyone else, take care of them till they "get it" nor can we do everything in a relationship! We can only do our part. It is important to love yourself first, go on a journey to building a relationship with yourself. How can you truly love yourself when you don't even know who you are and why you do things the way you do? I always have had so much compassion for others...yet none for myself! WHY? Because I didn't know who I was...never took the time to get to know me! But today I can say with confidence that I am a wonderful person, I love myself and I am worth it! And I am just a person! The only way to have a healthy relationship with someone is to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Both people need to be responsible for themselves, be honest with themselves and others, love themselves, and be open with the other person and again..to themselves.
So I leave you with this thought: What can I do today that will help me to know myself better and show myself how much I love me? Because I'm worth it and I deserve to be at peace with myself and comfortable in my own shoes!
I was reading one of my meditation books last night, the one I have from Melanie Beattie. She is one of my favorite authors as her books have helped me so much on my journey of self-discovery and growth. I'm a Codependant and an addict. Anywho...I was reading her topic of "Accepting Love". Wow even the beginning of 2009I didn't even know how to do that! Accepting that someone could actually love me????? What a concept! Good thing is that today I am capable of feeling that someone else could love me as much as I love them. This is a new feeling for me, so I am therefore still in my infancy stage of this emotion. I still find myself drifting back to the old thoughts of "How could anyone love ME?", "Wait till they really get to know me...then they will dump me for the first thing that comes around! I then get these feelings that my partner, my friends, my family, even my kids could easily replace me, for I am just a flea and inconsequential. The good thing about this is that I can recognize when it is happening. AND I can recognize that it is those old tapes that I have played in my mind since I was a child growing up with an alcoholic father. I never was able to recognize that before. My 12 step fellowship and the counselling I have done have helped me to see the truth. I am a worthwhile, kind, understanding, wonderful woman who has many people who love her. And that those thoughts ARE just thoughts from my past. My old way of life.
Anywho...back to the meditation topic: Accepting Love! She talks about how many of us have worked to hard to make relationships work. Boy oh Boy was she like talking about me in this reading or what??? I have done that in ALL my relationships. I have tried my whole life to change and conform to what I "thought" people wanted me to be in order to be loved and accepted. I thought that that was what a person was supposed to do...well...actually...what "I" was supposed to do. I was raised feeling that it was my job to "take care" of everyone elses feelings and be constantly "ON" and "THERE" for when they needed me. I even look at my marriage of 20 years and I see how I wore myself out trying to "Take care of" my husband when he was so down and defeated by his family. Mainly his mother. I ended up doing all the chores, paying the bills, going to work to support his spending habit (not just his fault...I didn't know how to say NO!), while he stayed home or got yet another commission job that went no where! And with all this...putting up with abuse from his mother and father. I felt it was up to me because I was his wife that I was to "step up" and do my job...Love, Honor, and Cherish! my husband...be there for him like a good wife would. On top of that, try my best to raise 2 beautiful kids that had been hurt and felt like they did not belong with anyone but ME! So what did I do? I took that on as well! I was the one they came to when they needed to talk (this is a good thing), I was the one who helped them with there homework (good thing) however, I also made myself responsible for their feelings! What they were going through. My daughter ended up becoming abusive towards me and my son became so lazy that he now at 18 only has a grade 9 education! I became everyone's place to "dump" all their crap! Everyone had an excuse for their behaviour. Noone picked up after themselves, they barely ever helped out around the house, and eventually...NOONE was there for me when I needed someone to lean on! (Thank GOD for my mom and a handful of my friends!) I ended up going through cancer and was told that it was "No big deal" and "No need to cry cause it's not that serious). AND in the hospital, my husband only stayed like 5-10 mins a day! Again...thank GOD for my mom. She came out for 5 weeks. I got to cry on HER shoulder and she visited me EVERYDAY! She flew out to be with me, took a bus in a town she does not know to come see me in the hospital, gave me a shoulder to cry on, and took care of me when I came out of the hospital for a couple of weeks. Love you mom!! But my husband...was no where to be found...he was physically in the room...but NOT THERE! Everything had become a complete mess. I was so broken and worn out...I fell into drinking ALOT! I started that about 3 or 4 years before I finally (Thanks to a wonderful friend) got out of that house! Then a few months later moved to my hometown and then onto my path of recovery from alcohol and the abuse I endured living in that house! I spent a few months more drinking and doing things that are not me...things that are against my morals, my daughter was physically hurting me as well. I ended up having to send her back to her dad so that I would not be abused anymore. What a tough time that was! I still feel the guilt that I felt that day when I dropped her off at the airport! Thoughts like, "What kind of mother sends her baby away?" "What kind of mother can't reach her child and help her?" "What did I do wrong?"
The next step was to start on a path of freeing myself from the abuse and prison that I had created in my mind. I found NA...my new found friends there have taught me how to love myself, by loving me and being there for me. My daughter and I still continue to be very close even though she lives with her dad. We talk to eachother on the phone ALOT. She calls me for all the mom and daughter things. Our CFS caseworker even said when I was sending my daughter to her dad that I am still her mom eventhough we are apart. And she was right! I AM HER MOM IN EVERY WAY! I still have my days I struggle with the old demons of my marriage and my in-laws treatment of us. I am happy to say that my ex and I are friends and we parent our kids together. I am happy that he has finally stepped up to the plate and is in counselling with my daughter to help her with her anger issues. I still have some guilt issues with sending my daughter back...but again I do know that I could not parent her the way things were. She was extremely angry to the point of physically abusing me, in and out of shelters, family counselling (she wouldn't talk to the counsellor)...and me...I was so broken! I was at that point, I am ashamed to say, of "I just don't care anymore!" "I give up!" "I'm the worst mother in the world so how could I ever think that I could help her!"
Anyways, my point of this is...going back to that meditation:
We CAN NOT "fix" anyone else, take care of them till they "get it" nor can we do everything in a relationship! We can only do our part. It is important to love yourself first, go on a journey to building a relationship with yourself. How can you truly love yourself when you don't even know who you are and why you do things the way you do? I always have had so much compassion for others...yet none for myself! WHY? Because I didn't know who I was...never took the time to get to know me! But today I can say with confidence that I am a wonderful person, I love myself and I am worth it! And I am just a person! The only way to have a healthy relationship with someone is to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Both people need to be responsible for themselves, be honest with themselves and others, love themselves, and be open with the other person and again..to themselves.
So I leave you with this thought: What can I do today that will help me to know myself better and show myself how much I love me? Because I'm worth it and I deserve to be at peace with myself and comfortable in my own shoes!
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