So why do I do this?
I have people in my life that I care about and they care about me, yet I keep myself at a distance. I want to make new friends here in BC, yet something stops me. I have family that I love very dearly like my brother, cousins, uncles, aunts. I have good friends. Yet I don't even call them... How do I break out of this? I've now been in recovery 2 1/2 years, discovered so much of myself and what makes me tick.
In the past I tried to change myself for everyone. How deceitful is that? Not being myself. Agreeing with people even when I didn't agree. Not allowing myself to have my own opinion, not allowing myself to respect my own feelings and boundaries. There are so many times that I did all the calling, all the visiting, all the work to keep the relationship going. All because I was afraid that if I didn't people wouldn't call me, visit me, or care enough about our relationship to do the same for me. AKA - Felt that I wasn't worth it. It almost seems that I have now gone the other way where I don't call, I don't visit, I don't put the first foot forward. Is it fear that I will be the only one that does this? Am I afraid still that people will thank that I'm stupid and boring? What is stopping me?
Also, there have been so many times in my childhood and adulthood where I was abused by friends and family. I used to cling to these people. I used to think that it was them who had the problem, they just needed to stop being this way and listen to me, see me. Maybe if I just do more, maybe if I just tried more, maybe if I just agreed with them more they would change and stop and see me and how much I care about them. I for some reason just needed to stay in those relationships hoping that one day it would get better. What I didnt' see then, is what I do see now. Instead of trying to change people to come around to my way of thinking, the responsiblity was mine to take care of myself by getting out of those relationships. Not being mean to the other person, but just taking myself out of it. So maybe my problem is that I still don't trust myself with people. Maybe it's just that I'm still afraid that I will keep playing that codependent roll by being that person that tries to change herself in order to be thought of and cared for. In order to be worth it! Thinking I was a bad person if I left. Not giving them a chance to change.
So what do I do? Instead of reaching out, meeting new people, forming new friendships and building on the ones I have already, I isolate. I get confused. I don't really feel alone...I'm not completely sure what it is that I feel. It's almost like I feel trapped, confused, and unsure. Maybe it's just that I don't feel completely sure of myself with other people yet. I've allowed myself to stay in so many abusive relationships thoughout my life. Most of my relationships from childhood have been abusive and a lot of my relationships as an adult. Not all, but most of. This is a toughy for me. I want to be good to myself; I want to have healthy people in my life. But how do I do that?
You know maybe the thing is that I have just discovered who I am and I am learning day by day what it is I want and who I want in my life?
The truth is...I'm just not ready yet! And that's ok! I have some things to do for myself before I will be ready. I need to deal with the issues I have with some of the people currently in my life. Lay that stuff to rest so I can finally let go and reach out more. The truth is that I care about these people and I want them in my life, but I need to learn to do things differently for myself so that I don't get hurt. I finally care about myself more.
And besides, I'm still connected with and speak/chat with the people I feel safe with. The people I do know care about me unconditionally and will always be there for me as they always have. They understand that I need this time to sort my own self out and sort through all the confusion of the past so that I can make wiser choices for myself.
To them I say I love you and thank you for being a part of my life. My life is great and is already filled with a lot of wonderful people. As for the answer to my question:
It's ok for me to "Keep Myself at a Distance" for now while I work through the pain that still remains and learn how to be in relationships with people and stay true to myself.
So I leave you with this thought: Be good to yourself. Be you. Allow yourself to have your feelings and opinions. It's ok. You are worth and what you have to say/feel does mean something. It means something to you because you are the most important person in your life. You are the person that you spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with. And it's ok to leave a relationship if you are not satisified, respected or listened to. Or even if you care about the person, but just don't "feel it". This means any kind of relationship, such as friend, family member, lover, husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend...and on and on and on.
