Codependent Mambo

Wow! I just went through another couple of growing spurts and thought that it would be good to come on here and write about it in my blog. I have been reflecting a lot about my relationships and my part in them. I have found that my part is always the same. I now am willing to stop denying what I already know about myself and have been too afraid to change it because I am afraid of people not liking me. Thanks to some very dear people in my life...and you know who you are... I am more willing now to admit my powerlessness over 2 behaviours I have that stand in my way of being totally free to be me! I am now strong enough to start the process of letting go of the denial that I have this problem so I can work through it and grow some more. Both are part of an evil little word called "Codependency". Well maybe it's not evil...but I can be to myself when I fall into this trap.


What are the 2 behaviours you ask? Well they are 1. People pleasing and 2. Trying to "fix" things, myself, whatever in order to make someone happy again. So I guess I could call myself a people pleasing Miss Fixit...but again that would be mean and I need to learn to be kinder to myself.


But, am I ready to accept that I have these 2 defects? Or am I still having trouble with that. Well, I'm still struggling with it. I can admit that I have the problem, but accepting it is gonna have to be the next step. Hard to let go of something that I have been doing since I was a little girl. It all started growing up in an alcoholic home then continued through my own active addiction and then up to today. I spent my childhood trying to make everyone happy all the time. It was hard growing up in a house where there was chaos and hearing my mom cry. I remember being happy when dad was working those 4 to 12 shifts and the only people home were me, mom and my brother. I hated seeing my mom so sad so took it upon myself to be the one to make her happy. Bought her flowers, wrote her poems. These are all very healthy, kind things to do for your mom, except that my reasons for doing it was to please and "fix" the situation. I some crazy things for friends, like on in particular that I won't mention her name, some of you may know who I speak of. I just wanted her to like me, but she was always so mean to me and as soon as another friend came into the picture, I was yesterday's lunch. That is until she lost that friend or that friend was busy. I was always a last choice. As I grew older it escalated more. I got to a point that I didn't really know who I was or what my purpose in life is and why the hell was I born anyways?? I would stuff my feelings, wouldn't say my point of view, went along with things even though inside I didn't want to for whatever reason. The people pleasing and Miss "Fixit" continued up to today. I still do it now but it is getting a little better.

When I get stuck in those 2 things I wreak (sorry not sure how to spell that) havik in my life and the people I love. I have lived with and had a lot of people in my life who have been angry, frustrated, scared for what reasons? Don't have a clue for that is their "stuff". All I do know is that when someone I love or someone at work or anyone in my world is having a hard time or is sad or angry, I pump up the gas on trying to make them better and taking care of everything in order ot make like better for them. What usually happens is not pretty...it starts out innocent and loving but eventually I get frustrated, scared, resentful and not sure how to get out of it. So what happens next? I try to fix that...and on and on and on. End result: Pain, frustration, not speaking up for myself, stuffing my feelings, beating myself up and not saying things that could really help the situation because I am too afraid of being rejected for my ideas!

Analyze this!

So here I am asking questions, trying to sort through every part of myself so I can be the "perfect" me. Happy, peaceful, good to others, someone that people want to be friends with. Afraid to make the same mistakes I made in my past.

Yes it's important to take a look at our past, open up old wounds for a bit to allow them to heal properly. But when is it enough? When do I stop? Or do I need to stop?

I was talking with my mom on the phone and she told me that I need to stop anaylzing myself and that I am a good person, a wonderful daughter and just right the way I am. She told me to just let myself be. My partner has said the same to me and so has my loving friends. I already am all the things I want to be. They are correct, I have clean up, analyzed, asked questions, tried new things and turned my life around. I'm more at peace with myself today and love myself more than I ever have in my whole life. Why do I keep going as if I have more to "change" or "fix" about myself? Why do I keep analyzing myself? I don't even realize when I'm doing it. I just do it!! Maybe my question is how do I stop analyzing myself?

I think we all need to look at ourselves and keep ourselves in check, but not to a point where that is all you do. That's what I do. I think about how much I think think think about my behaviour, why do I behave a certain way, blah blah blah. Would be nice to just stop doing that so I can just be. Allow my brain to just be quiet and let me do other things for my recovery such as; writing, playing a musical instrument, cooking, baking, walking, reading, just doing the things I love to do. Yet I still have trouble letting it go. Gaaaaah! I think too much!

I believe that the answer to my question is to just let myself be. Just do the things I love to do and want to do. Keeping sharing with other and working my program. Allow myself to truly trust that the people in my life such as my good friends, my partner, my mom and my family just love me. I know that I love me, yet I still hurt myself like this. When all I really need to to is just let go and see that I am already the perfect me that I can be. With all of who I am. Leaving my husband and all that stuff I went through really put me off my game. Thought I had my whole life planned. Then WHAMMO! I had to make the tough decision that I did.

I believe that my solution is to just let myself be, stop analyzing everything about me, have faith and give myself more time to heal, let my Higher Power guide me into my life. Afterall, healing over night is next too impossible. But I can live in today, appreciate and be proud of how far I have come and accept me just the way I am. I don't need to analyze everything about me and dig so deep that I confuse myself and start beating myself up. I truly am just perfectly me today! Just the way I am! And I love me!

Something to think about: Love yourself, give yourself a break and give yourself time. Don't analyze everything and pick everything you do say, etc apart. Take a look at things, open up some old unhealed wounds, then let them go. Let yourself heal. Afterall these things are in the past so there is no need to continue to hurt yourself with them. Allow yourself to be just you because you are perfectly you today just the way you are!

Judgement Day