Wow! I just went through another couple of growing spurts and thought that it would be good to come on here and write about it in my blog. I have been reflecting a lot about my relationships and my part in them. I have found that my part is always the same. I now am willing to stop denying what I already know about myself and have been too afraid to change it because I am afraid of people not liking me. Thanks to some very dear people in my life...and you know who you are... I am more willing now to admit my powerlessness over 2 behaviours I have that stand in my way of being totally free to be me! I am now strong enough to start the process of letting go of the denial that I have this problem so I can work through it and grow some more. Both are part of an evil little word called "Codependency". Well maybe it's not evil...but I can be to myself when I fall into this trap.
What are the 2 behaviours you ask? Well they are 1. People pleasing and 2. Trying to "fix" things, myself, whatever in order to make someone happy again. So I guess I could call myself a people pleasing Miss Fixit...but again that would be mean and I need to learn to be kinder to myself.
But, am I ready to accept that I have these 2 defects? Or am I still having trouble with that. Well, I'm still struggling with it. I can admit that I have the problem, but accepting it is gonna have to be the next step. Hard to let go of something that I have been doing since I was a little girl. It all started growing up in an alcoholic home then continued through my own active addiction and then up to today. I spent my childhood trying to make everyone happy all the time. It was hard growing up in a house where there was chaos and hearing my mom cry. I remember being happy when dad was working those 4 to 12 shifts and the only people home were me, mom and my brother. I hated seeing my mom so sad so took it upon myself to be the one to make her happy. Bought her flowers, wrote her poems. These are all very healthy, kind things to do for your mom, except that my reasons for doing it was to please and "fix" the situation. I some crazy things for friends, like on in particular that I won't mention her name, some of you may know who I speak of. I just wanted her to like me, but she was always so mean to me and as soon as another friend came into the picture, I was yesterday's lunch. That is until she lost that friend or that friend was busy. I was always a last choice. As I grew older it escalated more. I got to a point that I didn't really know who I was or what my purpose in life is and why the hell was I born anyways?? I would stuff my feelings, wouldn't say my point of view, went along with things even though inside I didn't want to for whatever reason. The people pleasing and Miss "Fixit" continued up to today. I still do it now but it is getting a little better.
When I get stuck in those 2 things I wreak (sorry not sure how to spell that) havik in my life and the people I love. I have lived with and had a lot of people in my life who have been angry, frustrated, scared for what reasons? Don't have a clue for that is their "stuff". All I do know is that when someone I love or someone at work or anyone in my world is having a hard time or is sad or angry, I pump up the gas on trying to make them better and taking care of everything in order ot make like better for them. What usually happens is not pretty...it starts out innocent and loving but eventually I get frustrated, scared, resentful and not sure how to get out of it. So what happens next? I try to fix that...and on and on and on. End result: Pain, frustration, not speaking up for myself, stuffing my feelings, beating myself up and not saying things that could really help the situation because I am too afraid of being rejected for my ideas!
What are the 2 behaviours you ask? Well they are 1. People pleasing and 2. Trying to "fix" things, myself, whatever in order to make someone happy again. So I guess I could call myself a people pleasing Miss Fixit...but again that would be mean and I need to learn to be kinder to myself.
But, am I ready to accept that I have these 2 defects? Or am I still having trouble with that. Well, I'm still struggling with it. I can admit that I have the problem, but accepting it is gonna have to be the next step. Hard to let go of something that I have been doing since I was a little girl. It all started growing up in an alcoholic home then continued through my own active addiction and then up to today. I spent my childhood trying to make everyone happy all the time. It was hard growing up in a house where there was chaos and hearing my mom cry. I remember being happy when dad was working those 4 to 12 shifts and the only people home were me, mom and my brother. I hated seeing my mom so sad so took it upon myself to be the one to make her happy. Bought her flowers, wrote her poems. These are all very healthy, kind things to do for your mom, except that my reasons for doing it was to please and "fix" the situation. I some crazy things for friends, like on in particular that I won't mention her name, some of you may know who I speak of. I just wanted her to like me, but she was always so mean to me and as soon as another friend came into the picture, I was yesterday's lunch. That is until she lost that friend or that friend was busy. I was always a last choice. As I grew older it escalated more. I got to a point that I didn't really know who I was or what my purpose in life is and why the hell was I born anyways?? I would stuff my feelings, wouldn't say my point of view, went along with things even though inside I didn't want to for whatever reason. The people pleasing and Miss "Fixit" continued up to today. I still do it now but it is getting a little better.
When I get stuck in those 2 things I wreak (sorry not sure how to spell that) havik in my life and the people I love. I have lived with and had a lot of people in my life who have been angry, frustrated, scared for what reasons? Don't have a clue for that is their "stuff". All I do know is that when someone I love or someone at work or anyone in my world is having a hard time or is sad or angry, I pump up the gas on trying to make them better and taking care of everything in order ot make like better for them. What usually happens is not pretty...it starts out innocent and loving but eventually I get frustrated, scared, resentful and not sure how to get out of it. So what happens next? I try to fix that...and on and on and on. End result: Pain, frustration, not speaking up for myself, stuffing my feelings, beating myself up and not saying things that could really help the situation because I am too afraid of being rejected for my ideas!
No comments:
Post a Comment